I wish my penis had an off switch
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
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He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
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I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize