You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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