i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
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Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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