i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
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she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
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I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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