I'm lost and stupid without you.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
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Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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