If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
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Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
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The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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