I am in a vortex of obligation.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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