When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
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apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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