We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
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i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
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I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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