you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize