Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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