I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
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He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
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You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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