If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
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There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
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Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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