What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
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She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
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Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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