Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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