Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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