Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
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It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
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I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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