mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
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Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
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You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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