I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
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I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize