I cannot find my penis.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize