just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
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This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
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Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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