Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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