she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize