between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
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He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
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Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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