I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
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It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
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HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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