happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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