I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
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At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
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well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
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