the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
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I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
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Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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