the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
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There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
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He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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