it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
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She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
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I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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