Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
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Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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