I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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