I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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