I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
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He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
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I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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