Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
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It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
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Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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