so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
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She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
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IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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