I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
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im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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