Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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