tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
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So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
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Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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