also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
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I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
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Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize