so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
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I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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