6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
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