i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
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She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
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in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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