My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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