I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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