I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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