I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
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Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
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My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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