The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
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All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
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It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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