I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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