Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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